Over The Hillsides. The Real Tuesday Weld at Corsica Studios
Sometimes I wish that I was not. That I was not trans, that I was not queer, that I was not spiritually alternative, that I was not poly and was not (okay or maybe only a little) kinky*.
There are times when I wish that I had just a simple “normal” life. That I could have settled into the mainstream ideal of career, partner, house, hobbies, cis identity. And somehow have been moderately happy there.
There was a point in my life where I almost had that… once. There were a few brief years where I was… content… with something seemingly mainstream. And I was able to not think about all the pieces that set me apart from the rest of humanity. I so passed and so closeted I could not even see myself.
And I was content.
“But,” people tell me, “if you did not have all these experiences and go through everything you did – if you had had that simple, uneventful, normal life – you would not be where you are today. You would not know the people you know or have learned what you have learned.”
Yeah, I know.
But if you have never lived this life you can never understand the emptiness, loneliness and despair that can grip you sometimes. Even knowing there are so many people who love and care for me – which simple adds to the guilt of these feeling some times.
“But then you would not be able to do what you do. To educate the way you educate. To change the world the way you do. The world would be a little less without you.”
Yeah, you try living as a catalyst some times. Day in, day out it feels as though some aspect or other of my life is yet another teaching lesson. Sometimes it is for a single person. Sometimes it is for a group. I know where I signed up for that role recently, but I am not sure where I signed up for it initially.
“But it is so interesting”
Yeah.
* I was going to avoid referencing these bits of who I am at all here. The professional and academic worlds are uncomfortable enough with pieces of sexual orientation, sexual identity and gender identity that don’t fit inside the neat little boxes already. Talking about deviations from the standard models of relationship and desire are just about daring heads to explode. But they are such core parts of my identity, and ones I am proud of, that I cannot ignore them every day and in every post I make here.
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